Up to Now...

So up until tonight I have never created my own blog to express my feelings about being... being.. being.. infertile (there I said it). so since I said it, it now makes it real. So I am infertile and this is something that I never thought would even be a problem. I mean in health class it was an "insert here" process, right? And besides wasn't infertility for women in their 40's?
Unfortunately, the answer to both of those questions is "NO!". Such is not the case. So I find myself at age 29 married to a wonderful man who is my best friend, age 25 and unable to conceive naturally. I have been on clomid on and off, monitored and unmonitored for 3 years.
I also take metformin 500 mg 3 times a day, a prenatal vitamin, and a FAB tablet. It seems that I cant get pregnant, and then when I do get pregnant I dont stay pregnant (early m/c's), so here I am on the evening of my second IUI "I'm sorry Mrs. Reproductivey Challenged the results were negative" I am blogging to release all the sadness.
The first IUI was in January, was sure AF was coming b/c I was bleeding heavy, turns out I WAS pregnant. However, the HCG and Progesterone were low. Doctors increased the progesterone and HCG went up some but did not double. After three days we discontinued the Progesterone and miscarried naturally. The m/c went into February so no cycle in February. Didn't get a cycle March, April (even took Prometrium in April to get cycle), and May. End of May it looks like I have 3 follicles so use Ovidrel Trigger and do back to back IUI's on June 6 and 7th. 3 follicles and 50 million sperm.... sounds good. Thoughts of triplets and twins danced in my head. Turns out I couldn't even create one little blastocyst let alone two or three. I started spotting on the 17th, it was very faint pink. The 18th more spotting but very light. Again pinkish mixed with white cm. this would be 11dpiui. I researched implantation spotting feverishly all over the internet. My bleeding matched up to what would seem like implantation spotting. I still had some hope. One internet site stated that bleeding is not uncommon with multiples, so I mean this must have been my problem, right? Another site stated that if you have implantation bleeding later it correlates with a higher rate of miscarriage.. Damn It !!! Why did I keep on googling information to give me hope. This just stomped on some hope. I decided to block this out and hold onto hope. Hope floats, right?
But then today I get the news that the results are negative. Fortunately, I set up an injectables consult also for today so that if it was a bust I had something to give me hope. So the nurse practitioner goes over the new instructions for the Follistim injections. Looks like I'll beginning these in a few days.. Oh, and the spotting that caused me to feel barren and worthless has subsided. Isnt that ironic. It comes, makes me struggle to find signs of hope and then after i get my BFN it vanishes. AF doesnt even come full flow so that I can jump into the next cycle. Waiting for AF and the IUI#3..... still at infertility's door.
P.S. for those of you who are wondering of course curiousity got the best of me. I began POAS at 10 dpiui. It was BFN the whole time. So what I do know is that the trigger was out of my system at that time.