Less of a woman-less of a wife

So I stopped posting. obvious to see. I stopped b/c I got to the point that I didn't have much to say. more of the same.. infertility..infertility..and wishing I wasn't but more infertility.
However 10/22/08 I went to a routine appointment. We had increased the follistim to 75 mg, ovidrel and natural intercourse b/c our health benefits were maxed. Turns out a call later that day confirmed we were PREGNANT. yay. We continued to go every two days and the numbers improved. In November we found it that we were expecting twins and shortly before thanskgiving but after seeing both hearts beating we lost Twin B. Twin A was still doing good but I would bleed alot. I had a subchorionic hemorrage. These are not uncommon but instead of resolving I continued to have them. Was off and on bedrest. Finally by the middle of January I was off bedrest and things were progressing well.
Valentines weekend was spent with my husband and I completing our baby registry and picking out baby furniture. How exciting. I was on cloud 9. Our little princess was so wanted and already so loved. I loved the way my body looked. I was proud of my bump. Feeling her move within me was magical.
I went to work on Feb 16th and spontaneously my water broke. I was only 20w 5d. I lasted in the hospital until 22 weeks 3 days and she was born, feet first. 1lb 1/2 oz. 11 inches. She lived for 4 days. They were the best and worst days.. I thought.
But now I am trying to deal with the grief and there are days like today that I wonder if it will ever get better. It is starting to set in that it may never get better.. the missing her part. That I need to find a way to cope (to better cope). How do I learn to live with hurt? After being infertile I am scared i will never get pregnant again. I fear that even when I get pregnant again that I will still be racked with fear. I finally started just to enjoy my pregnancy and it was taken from me fast. My little girl was already here and gone.
We have friends that are also pregnant right now. We were due the end of June. they are due April, May, and July... Today it hurts to breathe. DH thinks I should go take to someone but I do not have health insurance right now and we cannot afford to self pay. Besides that I want to give myself permission to grieve. I do not know if what I am feeling is normal or if its more then normal. I know, what's normal? i wonder that too. How does anyone have a scale to measure normalcy of grief.
So even though I haven't blogged in 8 months I am back to where I was. hoping for a healthy baby.
Hubby continues his same schedule that he always had. he does this as his way of staying normal and working through his grief. I admire that.
Me on the other hand. My grief is like a lightening bolt. Sometimes I am fine and other times it strikes with such force it cuts through my spirit. I am paralyzed by it. I cannot even begin to describe my despair. I am broken. It's only a little over a month since my beautiful daughter became an angel, maybe its still too soon but how do I find myself?
My husband said to me that he lost his daughter and his wife on the same day. This hurt me deeply. She was I and I was her.. part of me did leave with her. I am hoping it was only temporary but for him to say that hurt b/c I have tried to give him the same wife as much as possible. It hurt also because I didn't want him to also loose me too. I am trying to claw my way back but loosing your child is like being buried alive. Its hopelessness. Somedays I want to fight my way back and somedays I'm too tired. I wonder why fight at all.
Mostly I want my prince to come rescue the princess but it seems DH has moved on with "life" and as for me...I'm stuck in this shallow grave.