Less of a woman-less of a wife

So I stopped posting. obvious to see. I stopped b/c I got to the point that I didn't have much to say. more of the same.. infertility..infertility..and wishing I wasn't but more infertility.
However 10/22/08 I went to a routine appointment. We had increased the follistim to 75 mg, ovidrel and natural intercourse b/c our health benefits were maxed. Turns out a call later that day confirmed we were PREGNANT. yay. We continued to go every two days and the numbers improved. In November we found it that we were expecting twins and shortly before thanskgiving but after seeing both hearts beating we lost Twin B. Twin A was still doing good but I would bleed alot. I had a subchorionic hemorrage. These are not uncommon but instead of resolving I continued to have them. Was off and on bedrest. Finally by the middle of January I was off bedrest and things were progressing well.
Valentines weekend was spent with my husband and I completing our baby registry and picking out baby furniture. How exciting. I was on cloud 9. Our little princess was so wanted and already so loved. I loved the way my body looked. I was proud of my bump. Feeling her move within me was magical.
I went to work on Feb 16th and spontaneously my water broke. I was only 20w 5d. I lasted in the hospital until 22 weeks 3 days and she was born, feet first. 1lb 1/2 oz. 11 inches. She lived for 4 days. They were the best and worst days.. I thought.
But now I am trying to deal with the grief and there are days like today that I wonder if it will ever get better. It is starting to set in that it may never get better.. the missing her part. That I need to find a way to cope (to better cope). How do I learn to live with hurt? After being infertile I am scared i will never get pregnant again. I fear that even when I get pregnant again that I will still be racked with fear. I finally started just to enjoy my pregnancy and it was taken from me fast. My little girl was already here and gone.
We have friends that are also pregnant right now. We were due the end of June. they are due April, May, and July... Today it hurts to breathe. DH thinks I should go take to someone but I do not have health insurance right now and we cannot afford to self pay. Besides that I want to give myself permission to grieve. I do not know if what I am feeling is normal or if its more then normal. I know, what's normal? i wonder that too. How does anyone have a scale to measure normalcy of grief.
So even though I haven't blogged in 8 months I am back to where I was. hoping for a healthy baby.
Hubby continues his same schedule that he always had. he does this as his way of staying normal and working through his grief. I admire that.
Me on the other hand. My grief is like a lightening bolt. Sometimes I am fine and other times it strikes with such force it cuts through my spirit. I am paralyzed by it. I cannot even begin to describe my despair. I am broken. It's only a little over a month since my beautiful daughter became an angel, maybe its still too soon but how do I find myself?
My husband said to me that he lost his daughter and his wife on the same day. This hurt me deeply. She was I and I was her.. part of me did leave with her. I am hoping it was only temporary but for him to say that hurt b/c I have tried to give him the same wife as much as possible. It hurt also because I didn't want him to also loose me too. I am trying to claw my way back but loosing your child is like being buried alive. Its hopelessness. Somedays I want to fight my way back and somedays I'm too tired. I wonder why fight at all.
Mostly I want my prince to come rescue the princess but it seems DH has moved on with "life" and as for me...I'm stuck in this shallow grave.

Wasting Time

So AF came on 12 dpiui this time. I thought since I got past day 10 I was good. Obviously not the case. AF came when we were BDing. Then when I went for Beta on the 5th I had a large follicle so I have to sit out this cycle. So I'm waiting until Sept 5th or until AF comes to start the next cycle. The nurse practitioner was going to increase my Follistim to 75 this time so maybe that will work next time.
DH also went and got me the IR diet plan book. I thought that was really sweet of him. I just need to find time to read it now.
I also started my PT job to help out with some things and to take away some financial stress from us. Its not bad, just waitressing a few nights a week. We'll see how it goes, I might only stay until christmas or as DH says until I get pregnant. ( I think this is just wishful thinking on his part.)

3dpiui...

Okay so its 3 days since IUI and I POAS tonight to see if I still had HCG in my system. Only got one line. This seems early since I have read (somewhere) online that it can take up to 10 days. I guess its not that bad since its 5 days from the trigger. I keep forgetting to take my second dose of the progesterone suppositories. Tonight I finally got in my second dose. I am worried that this cycle is not going to work due to my stress level again. It seems that all hell always breaks loose the week of my IUI. It NEVER fails. So looks like I am almost one week down of my 2ww. (at least the way i am thinking bc I usually get AF day 9 or 10dpiui, so that would be next thursday/friday spotting). So next friday we'll see if AF rears her ugly head.
xoxoxo

2nd day of IUI

So IUI #2 of #4 was completed today. 20 million with 98%motility. yesterday was 15 million with 97% motility.. and only one follie. Hopefully this will be enough. I did the Ovidrel trigger at 6:15Pm. Also I should note that I might have messed up the last cycle b/c I took my ovidrel and another dose of Folistim the night before the IUI. This time when I received my phone call I asked if I was suppose to do my Ovidrel and my Follistim or just my Ovidrel. The nurse was very nice and was like "Noooooo, only the Ovidrel". So I am guessing that this was a No-No. So this time I only did the Ovidrel. LOL.
I test on August 5th so I am officially in the 2ww. I also was wondering if the Ovidrel even worked in me and wondered what a BFP looked like so tonight I came home and POAS and it didnt change for like EVER. I threw it away, came back and happened to look at it and it was BFP. So for whatever it was worth it made me happy to know at least my body is capable of carrying any amount of HCG. I know this sounds crazy but it makes me feel better for some reason.

4th IUI scheduled for tomorrow

Okay so I have been so busy that I have not been able to log on to update my page.
IUI #4 is scheduled for tomorrow morning. We did 58.3 of Follistim this time. Only one egg on the left side. Drop off is in the a.m at 8 and then we have to be back at 9 for insemination. We will do Monday and Tuesday back to back.
other updates: I am all moved in to my new office. YAY !!! The oven and refrigerator both were fixed last week but the air conditioning is NOT fixed and the house feels like hell. Also the washer machine broke so I scheduled a maintenance call.. of course he cant come out until next friday. GRRRR

AF in full force

Okay so AF in full force. Called dr's office and I have an appt for tomorrow at 8:15 to do baseline (blood work and ultrasound). I think that we might do this cycle on our own and pick up again next month since I would have to pay for the medicine out of pocket. Was thinking that I could work out at the gym this month and pamper myself and then get back on the horse next month. I mean whats 4 weeks of trying on my own... i mean I do have leftover clomid so maybe I will still take that days 3-7 and then BD over the next week after and just see what happens.... would appreciate anyone's thougts on this. ohhh, also i know two girls that went to a clinic in annapolis, Md. it guarantees or money back.. both got pregnant. The one lady i know has also been trying for years. I love my clinic though and really dont think I should make a change just yet... I've only been there since October and this was only my 3rd iui. Again.. any advice welcome.

9 dpiui and spotting

So the 9th was 9 days past IUI and I started spotting, on the 10th it lightened up but by today day 11dpiui I'm at full flow. I called the dr's office and awaiting the baseline appointment. I haven't reached the sad stage yet... still angry. Not sure if I'm going to do this cycle or not as my cobra benefits are not active so I dont even know if I can afford the medication at this point. Waiting until the doctor calls me back. =(